Good morning and happy Saturday everyone! I am headed in to a big day at my Self Expression and Leadership Program workday. Before I head in to my workday, I wanted to share a bit about my morning and the mental battle I have been dealing with.

I think we have all had those mornings in our journey to better health where we start to see results, smaller body, looser clothes, stronger workouts, etc and decide to jump on the scale to monitor the progress. Well that was a terrible idea for me this morning. I jumped on the scale thinking, "I am loosing inches and my clothes are fitting better so I must have lost some weight so far."

Excitedly I jumped on the scale and waited for the result.. I looked down and was instantly defeated when it read 216.6. That was a 3 pound weight gain after a week of working out and semi-healthy eating.

That's when the thoughts started..
"Did I really eat that horribly to gain 3 pounds this week?"
"Will I ever lose the weight?"
"What a failure..."

At that moment I had realized these thoughts had all of the power and were going to stay with me for the rest of the day unless I chose to let them go. Knowing I have seen results in the gym, I decided I would go put on an outfit that made me feel confident and would go out and rock my workday. Little did I know, I chose a pair of pants that have not fit (even when I bought them I could barely button them) and they slid right on and are even loose on my body!

So why am I posting all of this about the thoughts and disempowerment that occurred this morning?

As a reminder that the scale is not always an accurate guide of our progress. The scale just shows numbers on a screen, yet it is so powerful in making or breaking many of our days. Just remember, even if you are seeing progress on the scale, you are strong and beautiful and will reach your goals as long as you continue taking action and being persistent.

To all of you who have read this post... go out and rock your day. Be great, do great things, and enjoy the ones around you. I love you all and thank you for your continued support in my journey!

Oh and an update about my LapBand removal journey... I have faxed a surgeon's report to a new surgical group and am just waiting to hear back if the surgeon will see me. Thank you to all of you who reached out to me this week with your kind words and support. I know this will work out and I will be on the road to a healthier and happier me!

After explaining a little bit about what I am currently going through with my LapBand and my journey on getting healthy and fit, I want to use this post to explain a little bit about how this blog was inspired.

I am currently participating in a Self Expression and Leadership Program and getting a community project up and running. My community project is Happy Healthy Hearts and is aimed at decreasing the ever growing trend of inactivity in the daily lives of children. Kaiser Family Foundation states that children now spend an average of about 7.5 hours in front of a screen daily. Being a preschool teacher and early childhood graduate student, this statistic is heartbreaking. Children learn through moving, exploring, and being active. As the time in front of a screen increases, we also are seeing the obesity rate and other comorbidities affecting American's at a younger age. Unless we as a community step in to alter the current habits of today's children, it is predictable we will continue to see the average number of hours spent with little activity continue to increase along with the obesity and mental health rates of children and young teens.

Happy Healthy Hearts is a physical fitness initiative that is taking place on Friday, September 30, 2016 in classrooms and households across the nation. Teachers and parents are taking a stand to create a love and excitement for seeking out physical activities. Together we are bringing awareness to the issue of inactivity in childhood and beyond.

My past experiences on a journey to a happier and healthier life have not only led me to creating this project, but also in sharing my own personal journey with the world.

If you have children, or know anyone with children, I am requesting you take 30-60 minutes out of your day on September 30, 2016 to join us in ending childhood obesity and creating a world where children and families are outside being active and having fun while doing it.

You can RSVP at:

Happy Healthy Hearts: A Physical Fitness Initiative

Yesterday I put a lot out in my post without much explaining. I realize some of you may not be familiar with the LapBand surgery or what it entails. I am going to use this post to explain a little more about it and what it means when I talk about something "getting stuck".

Before I begin, I want to take a moment to express my gratitude for the overwhelming support I have received so far. So many of you have responded with contact information for others who have been through similar issues, some have offered to set up a Go Fund Me account, and many other actions. Your support continues to bring me to tears and I just want to acknowledge each and every one of you for being the amazing people you are in the world. Thank you.

For those of you who are not familiar with the LapBand surgery, it essentially is a balloon that is place around the upper portion of your stomach which creates a smaller pocket, essentially creating a pouch that holds small amounts of foods, leading to smaller portions and in turn weight loss.

As you can see from the diagram above, there is an adjustable band that gets filled with saline in order to restrict the band and create the smaller pouch. This is where the problems all started for me.

For the band to be filled you have to go in to the doctors office and get saline injected from the access port. The first few months after surgery I was visiting my surgeon regularly getting fills, getting saline removed, and just finding a balance that works for me. Unfortunately, I have been unable to find this balance of feeling restriction without being so limited in my eating and drinking where I am sick and dehydrated.

After many trips to the emergency room for severe dehydration, my surgeon removed most of the saline from my band, leaving just enough for the band to be slightly filled. In reality, this should have allowed me to eat small portions without getting sick. In reality I struggle daily with food getting "stuck". What this means is that when I chew and swallow food, it gets stuck on top of the band and my body will eject the food. Essentially my body will continue producing thick saliva until I go to the bathroom and throw the food up. This is where the shame and social anxiety has stemmed from. I never know what foods are going to get stuck, life has become a guessing game for me.

There are days where all foods go down without getting stuck, weeks without any episodes, and then there are days where even water and liquids get stuck and come right back up. Try explaining to your friends (or others) why you run to the bathroom many times during a single meal.

What does it feel like to have something stuck? I don't really know how to describe it other than an intense pressure at the base of your ribcage that continues building until you go get the stuck food out. This does not always relieve the symptoms either. There have been times where I have taken one or two bites of food, it has gotten stuck, and I have not been able to get another bite of food down for multiple hours.

And then on the flip side, when food does go down, if I eat a regular portion size (or a large portion size) then I am stuck with a crampy stomach pain usually lasting for 30 minutes to an hour or until an over the counter pain medication is taken.

In my opinion, this is not a way to live. I do not want to have to obsess over the food I am eating, whether it will go down or not. Not only is this an exhausting way of living for me, it is also taking away from my interaction and contribution with others. How am I supposed to be present and enjoying the company of others when I am too wrapped up in my own head regarding what is happening in my stomach.

This is why I have chosen to start this blog. To be open and honest in describing what negative side effects I deal with on a daily basis. By sharing this with you, I am hoping to raise awareness not only of what I am dealing with, but to also raise awareness that anyone may be silently struggling with something in their life.

On that note, I leave you with this quote:

Best,
Devan

Hi there and welcome to my blog. With this being my first post, I am a bit unsure of how to get this started but here goes...

Five years ago I made the decision to get weight loss surgery. I was 20 years old at the time and weighing in at just over 250 pounds. People around me were getting different types of weight loss surgery and it seemed like the best choice for me. I made an appointment with my doctor who then referred me to a weight loss surgeon. Next thing I know I was making appointments with a psychiatrist, nutrition, and many more doctors all while thinking I was taking the easy way out. During these meetings I would tell the doctors I understood it took hard work and dedication, when in reality the conversation inside my head was, "in a year ill be skinny and won't have to put the hard work in because the LapBand will do it for me". Despite this conversation, I was approved for the surgery and it was scheduled for six weeks later.

Surgery day approached and I weighed in at 242 pounds. I had already lost 8 pounds and couldn't wait to see the pounds continue to drop. I went in to surgery excited and scared but ready to have a happy, healthy, and normal life. Here was my pre-surgery photo:

Here I am at 20 years old ready to take on my life. Waking up from surgery I was immediately in a lot of pain just wanting to go home. Once home, I spent a couple days in bed recovering and then attempted to get back to living my life normally. Keep in mind I had only told a select few people about the surgery. About three days out from surgery I got up and began getting ready for work, ending up fainting and taking a trip to the emergency room due to severe dehydration. This would be the first of many trips to the emergency room after fainting and losing consciousness. This trend continued for the first few months after surgery. The weight was not coming off fast enough, I was going in for fills without feeling any restriction, and made the decision in my mind that this was something I should be ashamed of and need to keep to myself.

I now went to my doctors appointments to get the LapBand filled but would either feel no restriction (could eat whatever I wanted) or would be so restricted I could not even get liquids down without them coming right back up. Throughout this time I had started to develop social anxiety. This is something that still sticks with me today as anytime I am around food, I am constantly thinking "is this going to get stuck?", "What do I know is a safe food?" or "How do I sneak off to the bathroom to get the food unstuck even when I just went to the bathroom a few minutes ago?"

All of this social anxiety stemmed from not being open with my friends and others about the surgey. I was out in the world pretending I never got the surgery while struggling to keep down the bite of food that I did not chew well enough. I began to make excuses as to why I wasn't able to go out with friends and would stay home to have access to the bathroom in private just in case any food got stuck.

You may be asking yourself, why am I sharing all of this? Well, after five years of continuing social anxiety, failed weight loss attempts, and missed social opportunities, I am ready to share my journey with the world in hopes of reducing the social stigma that surrounds weight loss surgery patients. Its not all fun and weight loss post surgery. In fact, many weight loss surgery patients have many complications and new health issues that arise after surgery. Living with this secret for the past years has brought me down and limited the contribution I can be in the world and I am committed to taking a stand for all weight loss surgery patients who may be dealing with some form of anxiety or struggle along their journey...

With this blog you can expect to learn more about my current weight loss goals and journey, as well as, past struggles and how I have learned to overcome those obstacles. I have currently lost almost 50 pounds from healthier eating and exercise and I am committed to getting to a healthy weight all while having fun and sharing my progress along the way.

I am also asking the weight loss community for support in my attempt to find a surgeon that will remove my LapBand, as my previous surgeon is no longer in practice. I have called around to many different practices and they require a $200-300 consultation fee even before seeing the surgeon. As a preschool teacher and grad student, that is a large sum of money to spend without even knowing if the practice will be willing to remove my LapBand.

Why do I want to remove the LapBand? Beyond the shame, regret, and anxiety it has caused me, it also has hindered my ability to give 100% in my workouts. Due to the LapBand port being stitched to my abdominal wall, working out and doing abdominal work is extremely painful. With each repetition I feel an excruciating pulling and ripping sensation. This also leads to an intense soreness for a day or so after the workout, even affecting my ability to play with the children in my preschool class. The complications I am struggling with have consumed parts of my life in ways I never would have imagined. I am now reaching out to the community to ask for support in finding a doctor that will look at my case and hopefully get me on a path to overall health and well-being.

Thank you for taking the time to read a little bit about my journey over the last five years and I can't wait to continue sharing with you all. Please reach out if you know anyone who may be struggling with weight loss surgery complications as I would love to be a support system for each and every one of you.

With love and gratitude,

Devan