Five years ago I made the decision to get weight loss surgery. I was 20 years old at the time and weighing in at just over 250 pounds. People around me were getting different types of weight loss surgery and it seemed like the best choice for me. I made an appointment with my doctor who then referred me to a weight loss surgeon. Next thing I know I was making appointments with a psychiatrist, nutrition, and many more doctors all while thinking I was taking the easy way out. During these meetings I would tell the doctors I understood it took hard work and dedication, when in reality the conversation inside my head was, "in a year ill be skinny and won't have to put the hard work in because the LapBand will do it for me". Despite this conversation, I was approved for the surgery and it was scheduled for six weeks later.
Surgery day approached and I weighed in at 242 pounds. I had already lost 8 pounds and couldn't wait to see the pounds continue to drop. I went in to surgery excited and scared but ready to have a happy, healthy, and normal life. Here was my pre-surgery photo:
Here I am at 20 years old ready to take on my life. Waking up from surgery I was immediately in a lot of pain just wanting to go home. Once home, I spent a couple days in bed recovering and then attempted to get back to living my life normally. Keep in mind I had only told a select few people about the surgery. About three days out from surgery I got up and began getting ready for work, ending up fainting and taking a trip to the emergency room due to severe dehydration. This would be the first of many trips to the emergency room after fainting and losing consciousness. This trend continued for the first few months after surgery. The weight was not coming off fast enough, I was going in for fills without feeling any restriction, and made the decision in my mind that this was something I should be ashamed of and need to keep to myself.
I now went to my doctors appointments to get the LapBand filled but would either feel no restriction (could eat whatever I wanted) or would be so restricted I could not even get liquids down without them coming right back up. Throughout this time I had started to develop social anxiety. This is something that still sticks with me today as anytime I am around food, I am constantly thinking "is this going to get stuck?", "What do I know is a safe food?" or "How do I sneak off to the bathroom to get the food unstuck even when I just went to the bathroom a few minutes ago?"
All of this social anxiety stemmed from not being open with my friends and others about the surgey. I was out in the world pretending I never got the surgery while struggling to keep down the bite of food that I did not chew well enough. I began to make excuses as to why I wasn't able to go out with friends and would stay home to have access to the bathroom in private just in case any food got stuck.
You may be asking yourself, why am I sharing all of this? Well, after five years of continuing social anxiety, failed weight loss attempts, and missed social opportunities, I am ready to share my journey with the world in hopes of reducing the social stigma that surrounds weight loss surgery patients. Its not all fun and weight loss post surgery. In fact, many weight loss surgery patients have many complications and new health issues that arise after surgery. Living with this secret for the past years has brought me down and limited the contribution I can be in the world and I am committed to taking a stand for all weight loss surgery patients who may be dealing with some form of anxiety or struggle along their journey...
With this blog you can expect to learn more about my current weight loss goals and journey, as well as, past struggles and how I have learned to overcome those obstacles. I have currently lost almost 50 pounds from healthier eating and exercise and I am committed to getting to a healthy weight all while having fun and sharing my progress along the way.
I am also asking the weight loss community for support in my attempt to find a surgeon that will remove my LapBand, as my previous surgeon is no longer in practice. I have called around to many different practices and they require a $200-300 consultation fee even before seeing the surgeon. As a preschool teacher and grad student, that is a large sum of money to spend without even knowing if the practice will be willing to remove my LapBand.
Why do I want to remove the LapBand? Beyond the shame, regret, and anxiety it has caused me, it also has hindered my ability to give 100% in my workouts. Due to the LapBand port being stitched to my abdominal wall, working out and doing abdominal work is extremely painful. With each repetition I feel an excruciating pulling and ripping sensation. This also leads to an intense soreness for a day or so after the workout, even affecting my ability to play with the children in my preschool class. The complications I am struggling with have consumed parts of my life in ways I never would have imagined. I am now reaching out to the community to ask for support in finding a doctor that will look at my case and hopefully get me on a path to overall health and well-being.
Thank you for taking the time to read a little bit about my journey over the last five years and I can't wait to continue sharing with you all. Please reach out if you know anyone who may be struggling with weight loss surgery complications as I would love to be a support system for each and every one of you.
With love and gratitude,
Devan
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